


Three Steps Behind

by Nomad (nomadicwriter)



Category: BtVS - Fandom
Genre: Character Study, Gen, first person POV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2001-04-30
Updated: 2001-04-30
Packaged: 2017-10-05 13:26:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/42208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nomadicwriter/pseuds/Nomad
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Xander is always three steps behind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Three Steps Behind

** Spoilers: ** Only basic info, up to season four-ish.  
** Disclaimer: ** The characters within, naturally, belong to Joss Whedon and the BtVS team.

* * *

Here I am again. Following behind. That's where I've always been. Living in the basement, following the crowd. No matter what I do, no matter how I try, I'm always just those three steps behind.

Three steps behind Buffy. I loved her, but she never loved me. I was strong for her - but she was always stronger. I was there for her... but even if I hadn't been, she would have gone on. She blazes the trail, and I stagger along after her. How can I ever help her make the journey if she's always ahead of me?

Three steps behind Willow. I was always blind. I never saw how she loved me. And when I saw, it was too late to see, and I made it wrong. I tore it all apart, everything I had, everything she had. But they all recovered, they all grew. They all went on. Went on and left me to follow behind.

Three steps behind Giles. We laugh, we make fun, we pity, how he's different, how he's lonely. But he's the strongest of us, iron and steel. Unbreakable. He always knows what to do. How does he know? I never know what to do.

Three steps behind Anya. So newly made, so rough around the edges... and yet in so many ways so better formed than me. I've always been human, always been nothing but human, and yet sometimes I wonder if in all my years I've grown as much as she has in so little time. She knew before I did what we had, that it was love. She doesn't even understand how to be tactful, how to make the words flowery and beautiful... and yet she always knows how to say the things that need to be said, the things that chase round and round my head and never come together into words.

Three steps behind Oz, for how he never lost his cool. Three steps behind Angel, for knowing how to make Buffy stop hurting. Three steps behind Riley, for how he could always be such a pro in a crisis. Three steps behind Spike, for always knowing exactly what to do to glide over all the things that should have seen him dead a thousand times.

Trailing behind the strong ones. Trailing behind the brave ones. Trailing behind the clever ones. Trailing behind the cool ones.

Not good with the magic. Not good with the words. Not good with the fighting. Not good with the books. Everybody got their thing. Everyone but Xander. Always here, always struggling, but never the best. Never leading, always following.

Following three steps behind.

And so I follow. I'll never be one of the great ones. I'll never be the one who stands up and shines. But I'll still be here. You can't take that away from me.

I'll follow in their footsteps. And one day, maybe, one of them will fall, and I'll be there to catch them. Because I'll always be here, ready for that moment. I'll always be waiting for them, three steps behind.

**END**


End file.
